Personal Stress Patterns |
Stress has been a dominant pattern in my life. These diary excerpts record impressions surrounding four episodes of severe tension. In the first, I explained my understanding of the experience. The second entry described what happened as I went into one downward spiral to the point I was not able to work. In the final entry, I listed causes that might be responsible for my tension attacks. From my diary reflections, I came to this conclusion:
Chronic Tension Patterns I My chronic tension involves my entire body from head to toe. The upper body pattern begins in the shoulder muscles and radiates to the sides of the neck and then to the temples and forehead. The pain is most pronounced on the left side. The lower body pattern concentrates in the calf muscles and in the arches of the feet where it radiates into the toes. Here the pain is most pronounced on the right side. The intensity of driven work associated with the accumulation of this tension developed in the years that I worked in the family business. Here seven days a week, and fourteen and fifteen hours a day, we worked, worked, and worked until we would get an order finished in time for delivery the "next day." We were always getting something ready just in time to meet a deadline. If the intensity remains unchecked, I go beyond the point of no return with a full blown "migraine" headache. The blood vessels on the left side of the head swell up where I feel the pulse under my fingertips. At least twenty-four hours of bed rest is required to break out of the grip of the headache pain. I should begin a new long-term relationship until I have made substantial progress in breaking out of this chain of self sacrifice. This will require a shift in my state of mind and a corresponding change in the physical body to mirror the enhanced state of consciousness. The tension is aggravated when I sense that my performance is not up to par. In the classroom or a workshop, I can tell when my delivery is smooth and flowing. When this is true, my tension is moderated. However when my performance is jerky and awkward, the tension pattern is intensified. Words and phrases do not come as easily, interactions with students and participants appear contrived, and ideas from one segment to another do not seem to be coordinated. My medications do not have the same affect they once did. The Tylenol #3 with codeine does not knock the edge off of the oncoming tension like it used to. Also the Midrin tablets for the migraine do not seem as effective as before. The migraine pattern has changed so that the headache is less severe but of longer duration. I have discontinued the Valium because it was physically addictive. Now that I have broken away from that drug, I want to discontinue Tylenol and Midirn. The physical and mental sides of my transformation are intimately linked. I must find a way to bring both along at the same time. Positive changes in the physical will stimulate the mental, and positive changes in the mental will invigorate the physical. I seem stuck with my childhood pattern of work obsession. This resulted from my Dad's vision gone amuck. His escape turned out to be my prison, the bars of which surround me to this day. Tension Attack I have sunk into a week long pattern of destructiveness, failure, ineffectiveness and inefficiency. I am not ready to move on since I'm not really a "successful and perceptive malcontent." My work load for journal review and program conversion and then exam grading is excessive. I'm trying to focus on backing away from the attack mode in this work while hunched over the keyboard typing as fast as I can. Here are memories from my attack mode history:
This episode built up from earlier in the week until by Saturday I had gone beyond the point of no return. For classes, I felt apologetic about the exam. When a student had questions about her Journal feedback, I felt defensive and wanted to help, but she didn't understand. This added to my frustration and tension accumulation. All of this came in the face of my work with Soma therapy, diet therapy, and educational kinesiology to overcome the drug dependency where I used muscle relaxers, pain killers, migraine buffers, and discontinued three kinds of tranquilizers: Valium, Ludiomil, and Buspar. I'm attacking my Attach mode so that I'm in a vicious cycle of doing the very thing that I'm trying to cure myself of. Taking time for myself on Sunday to read and watch some movies and TV, I continued in this Attack mode without letup as I "relaxed." Sunday night I had a very fitful sleep. Then by Monday morning, I couldn't do the grading because the stress response had gone beyond the point of no return. Chronic Tension Patterns II Intensity in all things
General and specific anxiety
Triggers of the stress response
Visual images associated with the response
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